Why do we feel lonely?

“My strength was my strength 

Until it became my weakness!”

We are often told to be strong, be brave, not to cry. Being strong is over-emphasised and glorified. As if we were made to be super-heroes flaunting our 32 teeth all the time. This thing – this one thing, has caused more harm than good in this world. It has created depression, loneliness, frustration, fearfulness, anxieties and what not!  

With ‘being strong’ given such strong emphasis, anyone who doesn’t feel up for it, feels down naturally! Who told us that we were meant to be strong machines? Whoever created us, gave us many emotions to experience and express. And all for a reason. Your greatest learnings, your experiences, don’t just come from flaunting your sparkling white teeth and demonstrating your strength. You learn the most when you are vulnerable. 

Plus, it is difficult to find friends when we wear the crown of being so strong. We would have projected so much of strength to the world, that now we find it uneasy to be normal and show them that we need help too. We created a pedestal for us to stand on, as the strong person, who can be and always will be there for everyone else. Now, how do we step down from it? It does look like a step-down too. And we have created an alienation for ourselves by projecting ourselves that way. But the sooner one steps down from it, the better it is. It is a double-edged sword if we don’t. One, it creates an undue pressure on oneself to live up to it – being lonely at the top. Second, it creates an unrealistic expectation on people who look up to us that they have to be that way too. Thus, we create more broken super-heroes around us, than normal beings of strength and vulnerability. 

Many today, don’t seek help from family, friends or professionals because they feel they’ll be considered weak if they do. Loneliness comes from our inability to seek help. When we project ourselves too strong and too self-sufficient, the world also thinks we don’t need any help and hence, won’t be there to help us. Think about it, even a mother knows a child is hungry when the child indicates it. Then how do we expect the world to be understanding and helpful without us saying a word about the challenges we are facing?

It is truly ‘impossible to feel lonely in this world unless utterly by choice’. (Source: Open Up)

 We feel lonely because we refuse to open up. There are two primary reasons for it:

– either because we fear being judged or 

– because we don’t want to be a burden. 

We assume that by opening up and asking for help we will definitely be judged or be a burden and cause inconvenience to others. These are limiting beliefs. Maybe a small portion of people might do that. But a vast majority of humans like to help and add value to others’ lives too, just like you and me. By not giving anyone a chance to be there for us, we are ridding them of the opportunity and joy of adding value to our lives. All human relations are symbiotic. Which means we are inter-dependent on each other. Even the most independent of us, has taken help from someone, somewhere, sometime, to be what we are today. It is not possible that any human grows entirely and solely based on their strength alone. 

 Even during a storm, it is the strongest of trees that get uprooted first. The grass that’s flexible, bends, surrenders and hence, stands again. 

 People who feel overwhelmed, consider asking for help. It will greatly ease your burden. None of us are in it alone. We always have someone in this world who is there for us. You’ll find them only when you look for them. Be it with family, or at work, or anywhere, if you feel you have too much to do, it is not someone else’s fault that they aren’t helping you. It is your fault that you haven’t asked for it. If you have asked and haven’t received, then perhaps you are asking it wrong or asking the wrong person (both of which call for a different blog altogether). For now, the most important message that you need to tell yourself is, “It’s okay to be not okay”. Once you understand and accept that, you’ll be more willing to reach out for help.