Don’t tell people that you felt bad

In a world where we are attending many trainings to learn to express ourselves, here’s a strange dichotomy – don’t tell people you felt bad. But why? How will they know if you don’t tell them? 

Well, did you notice that nowadays people are very fragile. People are fragile because egos are inflated like a protective wall. If you touch, you realise that wall is more of a bubble, that will burst. And if it bursts, what will happen? The other person will be offended. 

Precisely what might happen if you go around telling people that you are hurt by what they said or did. Never say that unless you know that the other person truly cares for you and is interested in knowing your well-being and definitely doesn’t want to hurt you. If you aren’t sure of these, it’s better to let things pass and figure what should you do differently to avoid getting into such situations with them the next time. 

What happens at times is when you tell people you felt bad because of them is, 

• they feel bad for themselves and 
• they feel that you made them feel bad about themselves
• Hence, they try to avoid you or maintain a distance from you
• They feel you may be too touchy or sensitive
• So, they may not say sorry. They might find some other way to make you feel bad too! 

Then there will 2 people feeling bad and the relationship goes from rapport to avoidance. Not all that you feel needs to be said. If you feel bad for what someone else said, think what is it about you or ego that’s making you get offended by it. Work on yourself. 

If you have great rapport with the other person, and you genuinely care for each other, then find a respectful way of saying it without attacking them or making them feel responsible for it. Mention things like, “this is how I feel, may be I misunderstood”. Instead of, “You spoke like that, so I felt bad.” In the former sentence structure, you take responsibility for what you are feeling. In the latter, you hold the other person responsible for what you are feeling (thereby denoting an attack – and warranting a defence from the other person). Most people don’t like people who make them feel guilty. 

A simple rule of thumb is – do they value you more than their ego. If so, then have a conversation. If it’s the opposite, you know better what to do. Likewise for you too – do you value a relationship more than your ego or your sense of self and right? Or do you value these more than the relationship.

It’s not to evaluate whether it is good or bad to value ego more. It’s just an unconscious choice based on their experience in life. When we aren’t strong from within, when we feel we are easy to be broken, we build an outer layer of ego as a defence wall and give it back to people thinking we are protecting ourselves. It’s an unconscious defence mechanism. Once we realise we aren’t so fragile to be broken by feedback, we may let go of our ego and find it easy to say sorry and heal ourselves and others too. If you see that someone has a high ego, it doesn’t mean they need to be shunned. They genuinely don’t feel good about themselves from within. Their self-worth is fragile enough to be shattered by someone. Hence, they are afraid to let people in. It means they need more love and more assurance that they won’t be shunned. Only then will they be able to drop off the need to protect themselves as they understand that people aren’t trying to break them. 

If you don’t have the patience or the strength to help build their internal strength, then avoid getting into friction with them. But find ways to build yours. So, that even if you get angry or upset, you will find it easy to bounce back.